"If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
…
"Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
…
"But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action."
^ everything I needed to hear right now
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I've been feeling really mixed-up lately.
Thats true, if an understatement. I'm often just so tired, and emotionally drained, and afraid, and incredibly sick of feeling useless and disconnected.
I haven't done any fiction writing at all for at least a week. It's been years since I went more than a day or two without writing at least a bit. I just suddenly have no heart for it. All of a sudden I feel disillusioned about it, even though it's a huge part of my life and my heart.
I absolutely don't want to go anywhere, or start anything, or expend my limited energy stores on the complex and changeable entities that are my fellow human beings.
I feel like I've neglected my relationship with God so much that trying to pick it up again will be like starting at square one, fifteen years down the drain, and that's the most absurd and exhausting and horrid thing I've ever heard. I still believe and I still know and my faith hasn't changed at all, but I feel like I can't make out myself within it. Am I supposed to?
The world is absolutely big and incredible and grand, but instead of being wonderful and an adventure-in-the-making, lately that's just been terrifying and cruel. I don't want to be a part of the world, because I feel like I'm made of glass—I'm slipping through my own fingers. I wonder who I am, and why.
And this is not (all) just an emotional spike because it's one in the morning. This has been a recurring thing for a couple of weeks now and I effing want someone to fix it.
I feel, I feel, I feel, and I don't know how to do things based on anything else but stupid feelings.
Right now I want to devolve into rambling about my failings, but that would be a bad idea and nobody wants to read that, not even the part of me that hates myself. So I'm just going to say goodnight. I hope you sleep better than I.
I haven't done any fiction writing at all for at least a week. It's been years since I went more than a day or two without writing at least a bit. I just suddenly have no heart for it. All of a sudden I feel disillusioned about it, even though it's a huge part of my life and my heart.
I absolutely don't want to go anywhere, or start anything, or expend my limited energy stores on the complex and changeable entities that are my fellow human beings.
I feel like I've neglected my relationship with God so much that trying to pick it up again will be like starting at square one, fifteen years down the drain, and that's the most absurd and exhausting and horrid thing I've ever heard. I still believe and I still know and my faith hasn't changed at all, but I feel like I can't make out myself within it. Am I supposed to?
The world is absolutely big and incredible and grand, but instead of being wonderful and an adventure-in-the-making, lately that's just been terrifying and cruel. I don't want to be a part of the world, because I feel like I'm made of glass—I'm slipping through my own fingers. I wonder who I am, and why.
And this is not (all) just an emotional spike because it's one in the morning. This has been a recurring thing for a couple of weeks now and I effing want someone to fix it.
I feel, I feel, I feel, and I don't know how to do things based on anything else but stupid feelings.
Right now I want to devolve into rambling about my failings, but that would be a bad idea and nobody wants to read that, not even the part of me that hates myself. So I'm just going to say goodnight. I hope you sleep better than I.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
and we frolicked about in our summer skin.
I’ve been doing a lot of this blogging thing lately.
Except … not.
Most of my writing energy has been shamelessly invested into the rewrite of my four-year-old novel draft. And fanfiction. *slinks away into corner*
Even my regular journaling hasn’t been much more than sporadic. My apologies. Though there’s not much that’s been going on in my life lately … although I guess I haven’t written about the move much at all …
Well, we moved on July 21st. Almost three weeks ago now. I’m adjusting better than I thought I would—half the space and my organizational skills are still not up to par, but I’m not on edge all the time, which is what i was rather afraid of. Sharing a room with my sis is kind of nice, actually. It’s nice seeing more of her, and getting to have actual conversations like siblings are supposed to do. Unpacking is a mess, though. We unpacked books and drawing things and clothes and stuffed animals, and everything else is still in bags and boxes. Nothing much is happening on that front, much to our mother’s chagrin. I really would be oaky with just stuffing everything into closets and not paying much more attention to it, but no one else is really going for that. Ach. I got rid of so much stuff when we moved and yet the amount of my stuff, even among that which I wanted to keep, for valid reasons, that I actually need or use is rather minimal.
Coffee dates with those people I really like but never get to talk to have been kind of a thing for me this summer. That’s nice. There are some people that I just really enjoy, you know? It’s not weird being around them even though it’s only once in a while. It’s amazing how much you lear about life and yourself just talking in that kind of a situation. Words explain things, but you don’t use as many words around people you see all the time, because the actually see some of the goings-on of your life firsthand, you know? You don’t have to think things through as thoroughly around people you see all the time. Sometimes it’s really refreshing to have a good, long personal talk with somebody you trust but aren’t quite kindred-spirits-type friends with, aye? Or the type of friend who quite obviously is a kindred spirit but not someone you see often enough to move them in from the fringe of your social circle.
I went camping over the weekend with people who really are some of my best friends in the world. Just six of us, no kids, no adults (technically we’re all adults, but no non-peer adults, you know). Two days of total independence—the non-stressful yet responsible kind. I was genuinely happier than I’ve been in quite some time. I don’t feel deeply happy very often at all, so I’m really, really glad that this happened. I needed it so much.
The church camping trip is this weekend, which is always fantastic, though it will be a bit jarring after a weekend with only a half dozen of us. There will be so many people! And a strange campground. And it will be intense.
And then the weekend after that we’re visiting relatives in the U.P. and potentially Wisconsin. That’s always a toss-up. I’m not sure of all the specifics of that trip yet, so I can’t really say what I’m expecting from that, but I am choosing to be optimistic.
In academia-related news, which is usually the bulk of my life, I did find out that I can’t defer enrollment at the University of Michigan, so I have to wait a year to apply for the right term. That’s a relief—one less thing on my plate right this moment. That means I can delay scholarship applications a bit, too. Now I mostly need to focus on applying for a guest class at Western (Intermediate French II, since they no longer teach it at KVCC and I need it to transfer), and on brushing up on all the French I learned last year and spectacularly failed to retain (zut alors!), and on my application for the Bethel School of Ministry where I want to spend next year, and on my petition for graduation from KVCC this December. And there’s that whole job-and-driver’s license thing hanging about in the back of my mind like some shady…I don’t know; like somebody I just don’t want to talk to but I know I’ll have to eventually. So still, much is happening. But surprisingly, for once, I feel okay. I really do. I’m okay. I spent most of July just wanting to sleep a lot, and now I actually have some energy, but not a ton of immediate day-to-day responsibilities and deadlines. It’s a really neat feeling.
^ What an effusive blog post. I’m done blurting out my life to the Internet now. Adieu, mes amis!
Except … not.
Most of my writing energy has been shamelessly invested into the rewrite of my four-year-old novel draft. And fanfiction. *slinks away into corner*
Even my regular journaling hasn’t been much more than sporadic. My apologies. Though there’s not much that’s been going on in my life lately … although I guess I haven’t written about the move much at all …
Well, we moved on July 21st. Almost three weeks ago now. I’m adjusting better than I thought I would—half the space and my organizational skills are still not up to par, but I’m not on edge all the time, which is what i was rather afraid of. Sharing a room with my sis is kind of nice, actually. It’s nice seeing more of her, and getting to have actual conversations like siblings are supposed to do. Unpacking is a mess, though. We unpacked books and drawing things and clothes and stuffed animals, and everything else is still in bags and boxes. Nothing much is happening on that front, much to our mother’s chagrin. I really would be oaky with just stuffing everything into closets and not paying much more attention to it, but no one else is really going for that. Ach. I got rid of so much stuff when we moved and yet the amount of my stuff, even among that which I wanted to keep, for valid reasons, that I actually need or use is rather minimal.
Coffee dates with those people I really like but never get to talk to have been kind of a thing for me this summer. That’s nice. There are some people that I just really enjoy, you know? It’s not weird being around them even though it’s only once in a while. It’s amazing how much you lear about life and yourself just talking in that kind of a situation. Words explain things, but you don’t use as many words around people you see all the time, because the actually see some of the goings-on of your life firsthand, you know? You don’t have to think things through as thoroughly around people you see all the time. Sometimes it’s really refreshing to have a good, long personal talk with somebody you trust but aren’t quite kindred-spirits-type friends with, aye? Or the type of friend who quite obviously is a kindred spirit but not someone you see often enough to move them in from the fringe of your social circle.
I went camping over the weekend with people who really are some of my best friends in the world. Just six of us, no kids, no adults (technically we’re all adults, but no non-peer adults, you know). Two days of total independence—the non-stressful yet responsible kind. I was genuinely happier than I’ve been in quite some time. I don’t feel deeply happy very often at all, so I’m really, really glad that this happened. I needed it so much.
The church camping trip is this weekend, which is always fantastic, though it will be a bit jarring after a weekend with only a half dozen of us. There will be so many people! And a strange campground. And it will be intense.
And then the weekend after that we’re visiting relatives in the U.P. and potentially Wisconsin. That’s always a toss-up. I’m not sure of all the specifics of that trip yet, so I can’t really say what I’m expecting from that, but I am choosing to be optimistic.
In academia-related news, which is usually the bulk of my life, I did find out that I can’t defer enrollment at the University of Michigan, so I have to wait a year to apply for the right term. That’s a relief—one less thing on my plate right this moment. That means I can delay scholarship applications a bit, too. Now I mostly need to focus on applying for a guest class at Western (Intermediate French II, since they no longer teach it at KVCC and I need it to transfer), and on brushing up on all the French I learned last year and spectacularly failed to retain (zut alors!), and on my application for the Bethel School of Ministry where I want to spend next year, and on my petition for graduation from KVCC this December. And there’s that whole job-and-driver’s license thing hanging about in the back of my mind like some shady…I don’t know; like somebody I just don’t want to talk to but I know I’ll have to eventually. So still, much is happening. But surprisingly, for once, I feel okay. I really do. I’m okay. I spent most of July just wanting to sleep a lot, and now I actually have some energy, but not a ton of immediate day-to-day responsibilities and deadlines. It’s a really neat feeling.
^ What an effusive blog post. I’m done blurting out my life to the Internet now. Adieu, mes amis!
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
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