Catch the Fire SoM – week one!

So I’ve been in Canada for just about a full week!  In some ways it feels like I’ve only just arrived, and in other ways it feels like I’ve been here for ages.

I won’t spend too much time detailing my arrival.  My and Emily Wright’s drive up from Kalamazoo last Monday was mostly uneventful, save for a three-hour delay at the border because the customs officer didn’t like our immigration letters and almost didn’t let us through (thank you Jesus for favor!  Getting turned back would have been so awful).   We arrived at registration for the School of Ministry on Tuesday bright and early (half past noon, a.k.a. too early:  I spent an hour and a half milling around the parking lot feeling awkward while all of last year’s returning students and interns were gleefully reunited).  

This is my American-ness showing, but I’m a bit geeked out by how international this place is.  There are about 60 students total, plus 20 interns and staff, in the building.  Only (I think) 6 are from the U.S.  There are a lot of Canadians, several Brits (a few Englanders, two Welsh folk, a Scot, and an Irishwoman), quite a few Germans, several Scandinavians, and one guy from Singapore. One of the interns is a New Zealander. There’s also an American woman living long-term as a missionary in Uganda.  I love hearing all the accents and comparing cultures.  It’s great fun, and it’s so amazing to see all the diverse people bond as one mini church body.  We had a social on Thursday night at which we all dressed up in costumes, played competitive trivia games, and had a dance party – all of which agitated my social anxiety much less than I feared it would.

We got settled into our rooms without a hitch (especially since we started off by setting up a communal stash of chocolate and tea)!  I have three lovely roommates:  Linda and Kelsey from Canada, and Christina “Teeny” from Germany.  They’re super fun.  :D  Community living is less fun, at least for an introvert like me.  The hallway right outside my room is proving a popular place for late-night card game tournaments and guitar practice.

Last week we heard teachings from Mark Virkler on hearing God’s voice.  In a nutshell, he gave us four keys:

1. Still yourself (remove distractions).
2. Fix your eyes on Jesus.
3. Tune to spontaneity (realize that God speaks through thoughts that may seem to come from nowhere).
4. Write down what you hear as you go!

Most of it was familiar to me – my home church teaches pretty much the same methodology – but Mark Virkler was very detailed and full of super practical advice (and charts.  He liked charts).  He made us practice multiple times in the middle of the teaching, though, and then share our journaling with another student.  This was really intimidating, but since we also have to do this on a weekly basis with our small group (yikes!), it was good practice.  It’s a good way to kick off the school – foundational, but really encouraging.  You know you’re starting off on the right foot.

So here you have it – my first official update from the School of Ministry!  I will blog more in-depth posts about the teachings and other awesome goings-on as the days go on.  I also plan to blog more often than once a week, so I can write shorter posts on more focused topics.  Yay!  Thanks so much for keeping up with me. 

* If anyone wants to subscribe to these posts, you can do so in the left sidebar, either with Google Connect, or by submitting your email address.  Please, if you feel so led, leave me a comment! Even just to let me know you’re reading.  :)

It's my last night as a teenager.

I'm listening to Florence + the Machine and The Postal Service and United Pursuit Band, and finishing the (extremely) rough draft of my NaNoWriMo novel, and attempting to assist my mother with her laptop's technical difficulties even though I'm not very computer-savvy (on PC's, anyhow) for my generation.

I spent the morning playing Oblivion (I leveled up so many times it's ridiculous.  Even Elijah thinks I'm ridiculous, and he has no place to call me on this).  The Demske girls and I wandered a used bookstore today, which was great fun even if we didn't make any purchases.

I don't know what I mean to do tomorrow.  Dad's taking me to dinner for my birthday.  I'll probably wear funky clothes and chill and play video games and write poetry and have a one-woman dance party while the others kids are at school.  Do some serious soaking.  I know I want it to be a very Jesus-filled day.  Maybe I'll do other fun things, yet to be determined.

I'm positively shocked that the weather was so nice today.  I'll be downright flabbergasted if it's even half as nice tomorrow.  Something about March 8th always pulls rain from the heavens, which is great, except that it means i've always got rubbish weather on my birthday.  But it will be good.  It'll be a good day.

Hopefully, I won't be too horridly sentimental about turning twenty and Being Really An Actual Adult Now, and I'll try not to wax overly philosophical.

Guten nacht, mein freunds.

Deeps

So, while I was soaking the other day, I had this experience.  I'm not sure if it was much more intensely sensory version of the "pictures" I normally get when soaking, of if I dozed and it was a dream, but either way I have the unshakeable impression that it was definitely a God-thing.

I'm diving into the ocean, the warm-and-gorgeous-eye-popping-wildlife-teeming-coral-reef kind of ocean you see in commercials for the Caribbean (or shark attack movies, or volcano disaster movies, or whatever), only it isn't water—it's honey.  Not viscous and sticky and (frankly) absolutely gross like swimming through honey would really be, but sweet and faintly amber-colored and just a little thicker than water.  It was more the impression of honey than the actual experience of honey, sort of like a painting.  (Also, it was breathable.)  So I'm swimming through this honey, diving deeper and deeper.  The light isn't coming from above like sunlight; below me there's this bright—not really a light, but a vaguely white sense of something beautiful that attracts you, like you would naturally swim towards the light if you were actually underwater.  And as I'm swimming down towards this light, immersed in this honey ocean, I just have this overwhelming sense of bliss.  It's not an emotion I can seem to recreate by will.  It's like a combination of joy, electric excitement, peace, and contentment.  I'm absolutely, gloriously elated to be here in this ocean, but I also know that if I go deeper, it will just get better.  I could stop at any point and just rest int he euphoria, but I could swim deeper and discover even more joy.  It's perfect happiness, and yet anticipation.  It's bliss, and yet adventure.  And it's a sense of adventure like I've always imagined adventure really ought to be, like I imagine people who actually go looking for adventure feel—the fairy-tale kind of adventure, that involves mortal danger and darkness and potentially unwanted yet vital personal growth, but the knowledge that there's always help when I need it and there's something better waiting at the end than I could have even imagined when I first set out.  For the first time, I felt really equipped.  Not of my own accord, because it was still just me, but just a solid recognition that (however invisible) God was right there, always aware of what I needed and ready to answer even my slightest cry for help.

This is how God sees my journey with Him—I don't know quite if I've already dived in and this is where I am, or if this is where He means me to be—but it was so beautiful.  I want to be there.

Ignition is this weekend.  I want to go into this expectant, looking for expansion, like I never have before.

{Also, I'm wondering about the symbolism (Biblical or literary?) of honey.  I might come back to this, blogwise.}

Happy November! (Or, Na na na na na...I feel like there's an xkcd comic that matches this)

It's the first of November! Excitement. I've decided not to do NaBloPoMo (blogging every day for a month) this year, as I'm already committing to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), meaning that—one way or another—I am going to write one cohesive, comlete story of at least 50,000 words in thirty days. IT'S MADNESS. But I have a (dare I admit it?) plot outline (I'm going to do a loose retelling of this old, incidentally rather tragic Celtic legend). I think with a) a deadline and b) a flexible yet complete plot framework, I can actually do it. I'mso jazzed. I probably won't be able to make much of a start until tonight, since I'm in classes noon to seven, but it's going to happen. Jesus, bless this endeavor. Because I'm also kind of shocked at the prospect that this is even possible for me, since I have literally thousands of pages of very unfinished stories on my computer and a couple of composition books.
INSANITY!

I actually considered combining the two Na'Mo's and blogging what I'd written each day for my novel, but considering my tendency (when writing anything) to skip around and edit/re-edit with a meticulousness that is probably my habit that closest approaches clinical OCD, I thought perhaps not. I will give periodic updates, I'm sure, and anyone who may be interested in reading the draft when I'm done will be welcome to it. Oh man. I feel like I'm going skydiving. Even though I've been trying to write novels for years, this feels so gollydern massive.


Anyway, happy November! I think I might have one friend who's doing NaNoWriMo with me. Are Hannah and Emily doing NaBloPoMo this year? It would be fabulous.

{Also, the xkcd comic referenced in the title, which actually has nothing to do with this post.}

What Lucy Found There

          "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tumnus."
          "I am very pleased to meet you, Mr Tumnus," said Lucy.
          "And may I ask, O Lucy Daughter of Eve," said Mr Tumnus, "how you have come into Narnia?"
          "Narnia? What's that?" said Lucy.
          "This is the land of Narnia," said the Faun, "where we are now; all that lies between the lamp-post and the great castle of Cair Paravel on the eastern sea. And you - you have come from the wild woods of the west?"
          "I - I got in through the wardrobe in the spare room," said Lucy.
          "Ah!" said Mr Tumnus in a rather melancholy voice, "if only I had worked harder at geography when I was a little Faun, I should no doubt know all about those strange countries. It is too late now."
          "But they aren't countries at all," said Lucy, almost laughing. "It's only just back there - at least - I'm not sure. It is summer there."
          "Meanwhile," said Mr Tumnus, "it is winter in Narnia, and has been for ever so long, and we shall both catch cold if we stand here talking in the snow. Daughter of Eve from the far land of Spare Oom where eternal summer reigns around the bright city of War Drobe, how would it be if you came and had tea with me?"

———————

That is, of course, the sort of opening snapshot of Narnia, from C. S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. This passage has in my mind quite a bit over the last week or so. I'm not truly sure why.

There's so much change and choice and possibility in this little scene.
I wonder which of it is mine?

A song about British bowler hats and yellow snow and lack of organs and dance parties and recurring bipolarity.

I made an amazing playlist for New Years and am throwing a one-person dance party in my newly clean room.  (The linked version is missing a couple of songs, one by Glowfriends and two by Charlie.)

The Demskes are AWESOME.  My family is also AWESOME.  And putting them together makes a SUPERFABULOUSGREATUNFORGETTABLESPARKLYEPICDOUBLYAWESOME bonanza for New Year's!  YAY!  Movies and food and goofy camera moments and arguments over board games and food and movies and Nerf gun wars and food (including snowman-shaped marshmallows and chocolate cream cheese balls), and even sleep.  ILOVEIT.
Ordinarily, I would be one to write a very lengthy and nostalgic and idealistically futuristic post, but I have too much energy to at the moment.  Also, I did a lot of that in my Christmas post.  Suffice it to say that 2011 is going to (what rhymes with eleven?  Besides the number seven, and a couple of proper names, and heaven, which I can't use without saying something ridiculous and/or presumptuous.) be…purposeful (at least, as purposeful as Kiersten can get), with the help of my Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome list, which I really need to write up somewhere.  And I hope to enjoy school and better my friendships and go crazy for Jesus and get in shape and do some thinking about the future and have lots of dance parties, one-person or otherwise.

I'm now, because I wrote this post three hours ago and my computer wouldn't let me post it, watching Miyazaki movies on YouTube.  Yay!

…One more addition to my Accomplishments of Awesome list:
74a. Get down to business to defeat the Huns.
74b. (Possibly with a wonderfully choreographed musical number.)

I think Emily's a trendsetter.

Kiersten's Ultimate Accomplishments of Awesome List for 2011:

1. Finish (writing) at least one novel.
2. Witness to somebody.
3. Come up with a system to start memorizing Bible verses. 
4. Read the Bible regularly.
5. Befriend S_____ more successfully than I did in 2010.
6. Put music to some of my poetry.  
7.  Actually give birthday gifts to non-family people.   
8. Finish learning the basics of playing guitar. 
9. Read at least three more of C. S. Lewis' books. 
10. Learn to practice good time management at least 70% of the time, including bedtimes and homework  
11. Grow my hair back (out).   
12. Exercise regularly.
13. Finish Anna Karenina.
14. Acquire a sonic screwdriver.
15. Acquire a Hadhafang replica if I don't get one for Christmas (and if I can find one at a reasonable price).
16. Start being consistent about intercessory prayer.
17. Grow closer to my family.
18. [Possibly] investigate learning to play the violin.
19. Memorize my phone number.
20. Start overcoming my phone fears.
21. Figure out what I'm going to do if anyone I like asks me out (e.g., figure out where I stand on dating, for me personally, at this point in my life).
22. Learn how to ride a bike.
23. Acquire a bamboo plant.
24. Come up with meaningful things to blog about.
25. Sleep.
26. Reread The Lord of the Rings (again) in a month or less.
27. Reread the Silmarillion.
28. Have consistent pen pals (e.g., be consistent about writing letters back to people who've written letters to me).
29. Draw (not just doodling) more than once or twice a month.
30. Mange to read something by Charles Dickens.
31. Finish Romeo and Juliet.
32. Read Hamlet and Macbeth.
33. Watch Disney's Snow White.
34. Get to know some of the people at C & C.
35. Get in the habit of tithing (at least, once I have any income).
36. Read The Phantom Tollbooth.
37. Do something genuinely crazy (but not illegal, utterly pointless, or life-threatening).
38. Take my driver's test, pass it, and get my license.
39. Buy shoes that fit.
40. Be bold.
41. Buy new flavors of tea.
42. Name my laptop.
43. Name the dancing monkey on my laptop.
44. Name my teapot.
45. Acquire some pragmatism to balance out my excessive idealism.
46. Practice writing concisely so I can do so when necessary.
47. Overcome my fear of overhead showers.
48. Get my Technician and Demolitionist awards on Star Wars Battlefront II.
49. Write out a thorough and intelligent explanation of why I dislike Twilight.
50. Consider what I'm going to do after graduating KVCC.
51. Fast something (besides books, because I've already done that, and food, because that's probably impossible for a college student) for a month.
52. See Glowfriends in concert, if possible.
53. Attend at least one epically awesome rock concert with friends.
54. Get drunk in the Holy Spirit more than once.
55. Learn six new long words and use them in regular conversation.
56. Brush up on my French.
57. Develop an appreciation for one genre of music I currently dislike.
58. Organize my room and keep it at least relatively clean.
59. Write about the random stuff I research on a whim.
60. Read The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien.
61. Develop an appreciation for more spicy food.
62. Do laundry more regularly.
63. Finish reading A Room With a View.
64. Spread the word "uber" beyond my church family.
65. Acquire at least three more awesome hats.
66. Write letters to at least eight people telling them what I appreciate about them.
67. Refine my Jamaican accent.
68. Speak in a foreign accent for at least one full day every month.
69. Help spread accomplishment in the important life skill of Giving Good Hugs.
70. Find someone to have deep and pointless theoretical conversations with.
71. Acquire at least two sundresses.
72. Create and DM (run) one Dungeons & Dragons campaign.
73. Learn to juggle.

Okay, I know I'm not the only one who's frightened of the future.  I know I'm not the only college student wandering around wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, or what I'm doing right now for that matter.  But it definitely looks to me like everyone around me either 1) has everything neatly, confidently planned out, or 2) doesn't give two beans about their college career, so long as they graduate and have a halfway decent chance of making six figures.

But, oh God, I'm scared to death.  I feel like everything rests on me, you know?  I have to keep up my grades and plan out all this community service and make sure I'm not wasting time and money on classes I don't need to take (basically, I don't get to take any electives, because my stupid honors courses ate up all my electives.  Sucks.  — That's another thing.  I feel like like a crappy honors student.  I can do the coursework, for sure, but I'm not exactly the most confident or responsible 18-year-old out there. All I do is write good essays!)  I can make so many wrong choices.  I could do so many things wrong. There are so many ways to just mess up.  I feel so pressured to make the most of my time (I feel like I wasted a lot of it already.); to do something with myself.  

And I'm so scared, because I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.  And I don't have the self-motivation to take time to listen to God.  [expletive deleted] self-motivation that I don't have.  Being a spontaneous person instead of a goal-oriented one sucks so much right now.  I know I need to change, because, face it, I tend to be a rather irresponsible person and I can't afford to stay that way.  But I don't feel an urgent, desperate need to change, except in crunch time, and by then it's too late; and then I get through it, and on the other side it never looks so bad.  So I just keep doing the same stupid things over and over and never change.

And then there are things I'm terrified of—like taking a required physical education class.  I would, in all seriousness, do almost anything to get out of taking one.  Just thinking about it, just looking at the gym, makes me want to run, literally.  And I have no idea why I dread it in any form so much.  Even classes that seem like they'd be lots of fun, like karate or yoga or scuba diving, still scare the daylights out of me.  But I have to pick one eventually [eventually meaning "SOON!"].

Still, I'm scared to death.  I can't graduate in two years without either taking seventeen credits both semesters next year (impossible, unless I undergo some really drastic personality changes), or taking at least ten credits over the summer (am I capable of going to school full-time for twenty-one straight months without going insane?  I doubt it.)  I'm so frightened that my GPA will drift just a bit too low, or I'll procrastinate one day too far or on one project too many, or I'll get one night too little of sleep, or I'll fall in love with somebody and screw up my whole life, or I'll just plain lose my mind and go crazy.  Literally.  And I can't even listen to God, who I've been desperately asking for help.  I can't even bring myself to do that much.  I feel so desperately out of touch, out of time, out of anything but emotion.

The Denouement of NaBloPoMo

I can't believe it's the last day of November.  In retrospect, it's astonishing to realize I actually wrote 32 bog posts over the course of the month (plus around eight more drafts, which may or may not be posted, or posted only in bits and pieces, as some of the are insanely lengthy).  It almost made the month seem longer, but not necessarily in a bad way.

Misfortunate morning aside, my day actually went pretty well once I got to school.  I hung out with Leah, Abby, Lydia, Andrew, Chris, a girl named Lucinda (for a few minutes) and a guy known only to me as Bob, which I'm pretty sure is not his real name.  We had lots of fun, and then we went to class, where we experienced this piece of sheer awesomeness, discussed two essays called "Meatless Days" and "How I Started To Write", got our annotated bibliography drafts back (149 out of 150 points!  So exciting).  Then I had a deep and thought-provoking debate with Abby, renovated my blog, and did simple interest problems in math (which I got out of 25 minutes early, not like it really matters since I take the bus) and had a Twix bar.

Only three and a half weeks left of the semester!  Hurrah!

I plan to keep posting pretty regularly, possibly every day, in December in beyond.  I seriously can't believe that we only have 31 days left before we're into the second decade of the 2000s.  Makes me feel old (yes, I know, that's a blasphemous thing for an 18-year-old to say).  

So, goodnight, sleep tight, may all your dreams come true...  (This is a joke, fyi.  At least five of my blog readers should get it.)

Happy birthday to my uber awesome dad (I'll be a good daughter and not divulge his age ;).  Love you lots! 

(Also, in case anyone was curious, a denouement is the last half of a Greek-style tragedy, after the hero's reversal of fortune.  It can also mean the end of something in a not-as-tragic sense, which is the context in which I'm using it here.  Sorry.  I'm rambling on in my geekiness.)

Of blog renovations and Christmas inventory

{My mom's secret to happiness: buy an extra can of sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving so you can make another dish after your oldest daughter wolfs down all the leftovers.} 

I'm considering giving my blog a makeover.  I know, bad form, I've only had it for three months plus a few days.  I played with all the colors to death when I first made it, and I was rather okay with it, and now i'm unsure I that like it all that much, except for the background and sort of the general color scheme.  But I think it looks sort of slapdash, not in the good way (ish).  So if you come back someday soon and it look different, this is why.  I am exercising my power of creative creationer's license over my blog template.  Woo.  I don't know.  perhaps I will leave it as is, in its stately Latin poster-like condition.  Perhaps I will tweak it a bit.  Perhaps I will...not.

I have relatives asking me for my Christmas list.  I swear, this gets harder to draw up every year.  I used to just keep a running tab throughout the year, and then by the time November rolled around I would just add and subtract a couple of things, print it off, and voilà — a fancy shmancy beautifully formatted Christmas list, replete with all the heart and soul of an American girl.  But two years or so ago, I stopped updating it year-round, and now I have to start from scratch.  I have about eight things on my list.  Music and a book or two.  It's really somewhat depressing.  I know there are things I want, but when I go to write them down, my brain fizzles out.  My zones of interest have been narrowing bit by bit, year by year.  I have all of three hobbies, and they're hobbies that several million other people are also semi-obsessed with..  I don't even knit anymore.  So what am I supposed to put on this list?  As much as I love new music, I don't want only stacks of that.  I don't really care about owning more books so much because I wouldn't ask for something I haven't read, and once I've read something once it's probably months and months before I reread it, so the pleasure is gone after a day.  I can ask for hats.  I can ask for clothes, but since Dad discovered Goodwill I really do not need any more of those.  I want a hamster, but that's been ruled out for some time.  I kind of want a snake, but that was never even under consideration.  I want a surprise.  Surprise me.  How hard can that be?  I'm among the most surprisable people in existence.  I just don't know what to ask for anymore...is that good or bad?