I start college in five days, nineteen hours, and twenty-seven minutes.
That's when I start my first class, anyway. I feel like college actually began months ago, with orientation, registration counseling, financial aid stuff, tests, interviews...I admit, this looming future scares me. A lot. I've been in a state vacillating between panicky avoidance and mild terror about it all summer. There are some days I feel almost sick to my stomach thinking about it. I feel massively unprepared—emotionally and practically. I feel fairly confident I'm capable of the academia; it's everything else involved that worries me. I can't shake off the compulsion to brood over everything that could go wrong (and I am not usually a pessimistic person). My high school career was a train wreck for a while due to the chronic procrastination that I sometimes feel has me in a stranglehold; and I'm sure a lot of people who know me could tell you how much I despise schedules and time management. There is so much I could do wrong, so many abd habits I could regress back into at the drop of a hat. I'm not expecting to be perfect, but I don't want to walk around with a lit bundle of dynamite in my shoes.
I went to God today via my Bible, and found Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (NIV).
The Amplified Bible says "[peace] shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds". I like that—it conjures an image of a miniature army, sentient, with a careful strategy to vanquish whatever might come against it, from any angle. God's peace isn't only a shield; it's a living thing there to protect me.
I've heard that verse I don't even know how many times. It's one of the not-very-many I actually have memorized—but today i noticed the "with thanksgiving" line. Of course I've seen that before, too—but somehow, when i'm trying to apply this verse to my own life, that line always gets omitted. I have the prayer and petition down pat—not so well the thanksgiving. Thus, I thought today when I took note of this, what am I thankful for in this uber-stressful future?
1. It's an entire galaxy of opportunity on so many levels:
2. I can meet new people and maybe have the chance to bend my lopsided/nonexistent social skills into shape.
3. I really like learning. I want to better myself as a writer. Where better to do that than college?
4. I have some solid incentive to beat down my obnoxious, horrible, late-blooming adolescent rebellious-and-irresponsible alter ego.
5. I get to get out of the house.
6. I'll be in an environment where people will no longer automatically assume the short person can still order off the kids' menu.
7. Maybe I will garner a sense of long-term purpose.
8. It's an adventure I haven't tried yet that probably isn't life-threatening.
9. I could use a lesson is dependency on God...yet again.
Yes. I'm freaked out—really, really freaked out—by this prospect of being an honest-to-goodness college student. For my entire high school career, I looked at college students with something like actual awe. It's hard to believe I am one now. Yes, I have practical things I need to do, things to which I need to apply myself and on which I need to take initiative—but I'm not all by myself in trying to buffet back stress. God knows what He's doing. I can actually get excited about some of this. I can be thankful that it's not just a massive, dreaded chore.
And, even though it's hard to believe sometimes because everyone looks like they have it all together, I have a lot of friends going through this exact phase right now, feeling similar fears—
We can do this.
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