titleless.

We're discussing sexual health and alternative sexuality in my holistic health class this week, and to be frank, I was terrified going in. I had an extremely sheltered, basically asexual childhood; a scary and confusing adolescence as a result; and at age 20 I finally feel like I'm stabilizing a bit, at least for my own self and future. But I can't speak for the rest of the world, or my opinions about it. I don't even know what is or is not, let alone what's right or wrong or good or bad. I didn't even know what to pray this morning. I just stressed about it and wanted to skip and just felt lost. Finally I was like, "God, just show me where you heart is in all of this. That's all I really want to get out of this." The result? After the end of my three-hour class, I wanted to go into the restroom and cry my eyes out. I just want people to get along. I want people to love other people. I want people to not be hypocritical. I want people to not be trapped in a fallen world that confuses the hell out of everybody. I want no one to have to feel alone, misunderstood, or unloved. I want people to realize that there is such a thing as right and wrong, that a moral dichotomy does exist. I'm not saying I have an understanding of what that dichotomy is and what it entails—not by a long shot. I just know it's there. I wish people who do believe in that dichotomy with me could see that you can't invoke one aspect of God's character while ignoring another: you cannot tell someone that God hates their sin while neglecting to tell them that He loves them, that he handmade them and called them "good," that he doesn't just want to burn them from the face of the earth. I wish I could somehow make up for the fact that people do very ungodly things in the name of godly principles. I wish that I had answers for people. I wish you weren't lost. I wish I wasn't lost, even after I've been found. I wish someone had told me the world was going to be such a hard place to live in and given me a few helpful hints. I wish I didn't disagree with some of the overbearing "hints" given to me by very vocal people who haven't known me nearly long enough to have any call to start making assumptions about what I think and believe and want. I wish I wasn't afraid to cry in public. I wish I didn't feel so freakishly lonely every time romantic relationships are a topic. I wish I wasn't a coward even when I do have something to say (but it's easier to hold it all in and not risk saying it "wrong", right? If any freaking thing in the world makes sense, it's how not to risk your reputation by having one). I wish God would give me a straightforward answer about how to love people without compromising righteousness. (I'd even settle for a case-by-case consultancy, which is probably what He has in place already and I just need to be better at listening). But I don't even know how to hold a conversation, about so many things. It isn't just sex...that's not even close to the whole problem. Is there anything that just...makes sense?

I'm really glad I'm not God, because I'd sure suck at it. Just holding His hand and seeing a reflection in His eyes for five minutes is difficult almost to the point of crippling.

All the same...not having a heart? I don't think I could bear existence itself, then.

(I have a lab exam in fifteen minutes. #WednesdaysContinueToEffingSuck.)