Okay, I know I'm not the only one who's frightened of the future. I know I'm not the only college student wandering around wondering what the heck I'm supposed to be doing, or what I'm doing right now for that matter. But it definitely looks to me like everyone around me either 1) has everything neatly, confidently planned out, or 2) doesn't give two beans about their college career, so long as they graduate and have a halfway decent chance of making six figures.
But, oh God, I'm scared to death. I feel like everything rests on me, you know? I have to keep up my grades and plan out all this community service and make sure I'm not wasting time and money on classes I don't need to take (basically, I don't get to take any electives, because my stupid honors courses ate up all my electives. Sucks. — That's another thing. I feel like like a crappy honors student. I can do the coursework, for sure, but I'm not exactly the most confident or responsible 18-year-old out there. All I do is write good essays!) I can make so many wrong choices. I could do so many things wrong. There are so many ways to just mess up. I feel so pressured to make the most of my time (I feel like I wasted a lot of it already.); to do something with myself.
And I'm so scared, because I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't have the self-motivation to take time to listen to God. [expletive deleted] self-motivation that I don't have. Being a spontaneous person instead of a goal-oriented one sucks so much right now. I know I need to change, because, face it, I tend to be a rather irresponsible person and I can't afford to stay that way. But I don't feel an urgent, desperate need to change, except in crunch time, and by then it's too late; and then I get through it, and on the other side it never looks so bad. So I just keep doing the same stupid things over and over and never change.
And then there are things I'm terrified of—like taking a required physical education class. I would, in all seriousness, do almost anything to get out of taking one. Just thinking about it, just looking at the gym, makes me want to run, literally. And I have no idea why I dread it in any form so much. Even classes that seem like they'd be lots of fun, like karate or yoga or scuba diving, still scare the daylights out of me. But I have to pick one eventually [eventually meaning "SOON!"].
Still, I'm scared to death. I can't graduate in two years without either taking seventeen credits both semesters next year (impossible, unless I undergo some really drastic personality changes), or taking at least ten credits over the summer (am I capable of going to school full-time for twenty-one straight months without going insane? I doubt it.) I'm so frightened that my GPA will drift just a bit too low, or I'll procrastinate one day too far or on one project too many, or I'll get one night too little of sleep, or I'll fall in love with somebody and screw up my whole life, or I'll just plain lose my mind and go crazy. Literally. And I can't even listen to God, who I've been desperately asking for help. I can't even bring myself to do that much. I feel so desperately out of touch, out of time, out of anything but emotion.
If I may be frank, what is the rush? What drastically important deadline is it which you have to meet? This is just my personal opinion, but I think that people, in general, need to slow their roll. Why? Because life is meant to be enjoyed. If you were going to die in two years, would you want to spend all of that time studying and stressing out? I wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteI've been around the horn with school and I've been where you are and it ended with me seriously questioning 'the format.' I think society's expectation of high school graduates is unrealistic. From kindergarten to twelfth grade we have academia crammed down our throats. We aren't given enough to time develop skills and a taste for what we want to do. And then when we graduate, we are shoved off to college without knowing that critical information about ourselves. What's more is that, academia has been forced on us for so long, that once we get to college we have lost almost all taste for education.
Why is it that you need to graduate in two years?
I feel like it's all others' expectations (hehe, didn't we just talk about this at C & C last week?). I just don't know which ones are reasonable standards and which aren't. I definitely don't want to spend all my time studying and stressing out, but I don't want to look irresponsible, either. I feel like as a college student I'm expected to either study and stress all the time (especially as a honors student), or not put effort into it at all. Which is ridiculous, but then I'm very emotionally driven, so it's hard not to read into everyone else's expectations. Maybe I'm reading too much. But it's hard not to feel overwhelmed. I don't want to rush: I'm a leisurely, spontaneous, in-the-moment person, but I feel like our society is forever pressing me not to be, telling me I can't be successful doing what I want to do unless I change. Obviously I'm not a totally mature person (and who is?) but it's hard to feel okay with that.
ReplyDeleteTechnically an associate's degree is a two-year degree, and [to my knowledge] usually transfer students transfer after their second year. But I have to have a minimum of 62 credits and I can't manage that in four semesters. Grr. I don't know. I'm just freaked out at the thought of feeling behind again. So I have to figure this out. I can't be the only A student who spends more than two years at a community college. Man, I want to get out there and live, but I don't want to have to go through all this to do it.
Honestly, you shouldn't be having to worry about anyone's expectations except God's. Take your time. By taking more credits than you think you can handle, you'll only be short-changing yourself. There's two good things that will come out of taking an easier load: 1) you'll absorb more information which will stick with you longer, and 2) you'll probably get better grades with less stress.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as wanting to "get out there and live", you're alive right now. Progressing towards goals is good, but you can enjoy life along the way as well. College is a unique point in one's life. College students have all the reins to their life in one hand and the other hand is free for whatever like drinking a soda or shooting a gun. It's a great time to make friends and be free. While what most people look forward to is getting a career and settling down with a nice guy/gal, college years are still a time that should be experienced and enjoyed. And you can take as much time as you want. Who cares what anyone expects?
I'm 25 years old and I'm a freshman at WMU. Nobody cares, though. I'm taking 2 classes at a time right now and I won't graduate until I'm in my 30s, but I don't mind. The circumstances of my life didn't allow me to be a traditional student. And in the 5 years between going to KVCC and WMU I found my passion for writing. I'm glad I'm going to school for writing instead of going for something else 5 years ago, graduating, and then getting a career in a field that I would have hated.
Trying to live up to others expectations is a rocky road of unhappiness. Organize your life according to what God wants you to do, what you want to do, and what you know you can handle. That's just my two cents.
Thanks, Stove. Your words are taken to heart and much appreciated. :)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean Kiersten, though maybe not quite so badly as you do... I love you though and I'll be praying for you :)
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