Star-crossed freight trains, E. coli, hummingbirds, and a lame duck who may have stepped on a land mine.

How not to use figurative language:

• "John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."
• "The politician was gone but unnoticed, the the period after the 'Dr.' on a Dr Pepper can."
• "The shot rang out, as shots are wont to do."
• "Long separated by cruel fate, the two star-crossed lovers raced across the field, like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at a speed of 55 mph and the other having left Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling at a speed of 35 mph."
• "He was as tall as a six-foot three-inch tree."
• "He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like  a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high school about the danger of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."
• "His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free."
• "McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup."
• "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.  Unlike Phil, however, this plan might actually work."
• "The little boat drifted gently across the pond, just the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
• "It was very confusing, just like when you're out of state and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30."
• "It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing children around with power tools."
• "The young fighter looked very hungry, the sort of look you get after not eating for a while."
• "He was as lame as a duck.  And not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something."
• "He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River."
• "He was deeply in love.  Whenever she spoke, he fancied that he could hear bells, just like a garbage truck backing up."
• "He grew on her like he was a colony of E. coli and she was room-temperature Canadian beef."

...This is what we spent the majority of my English class studying this afternoon.  Real creative ridiculosity from real college students.  Don't try this at home, kids.

Also, the fire alarm went off today.  Not the most fun of adventures.  I also witnessed the magic of an erasable pen, which was a fun adventure.